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Walking into a surprise birthday party for yourself a moment after hearing terrible news

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Or just walk into a surprise birthday party as an adult.

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Witness monogamous behavior among animals in a zoo or duck pond and recommit to your own mate

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🤣🤣🤣

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after reviewing the scientific literature on historical human population genetics and realizing that the nuclear family co-emerged in cultural evolution with western civilization after the early church banned cousin marriage.

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Making a solemn resolution while looking down at a framed photograph of a family member you have picked up off your desk

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Start a new life after shaving

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I have this unhealthy cycle where I grow out my mustache for a few weeks, shave, and change personality.

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start a new life after using a legacy bottle of IPA no longer made by a local microbrew that went out of business as a fragrant beard oil, then learning the technological limits of cheap spritzer bottles from drug store chains.

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Haahahahahaahha‼️❗️

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Mar 19, 2023Liked by Amanda Fortini, Walter Kirn

Have French bread sticking out of the top of a grocery bag.

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Bonus points if on a bicycle with little basket.

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And not a modern bicycle, but the kind they always have in French movies.

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Well, I have walked out of a store with my baguette bulging from my bag. But never to the sound of an accordion playing....

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That describes, like, an ordinary weekday in France. People do do that here

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Mar 19, 2023Liked by Walter Kirn

-leave/listen to voicemails

-finish a cigarette after a few puffs

-extremely fit people drinking lots of alcohol

-no wait time at bars/handed drinks without ordering

-no seat belts

-background actors aren’t mindlessly staring at phones

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Playing back answering machines in a movie where people walk around with cellphones is oxymoronic. And how about conversations where both people aren't constantly drifting off into incoming text messages or typing them?

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Have a meeting where the boss says, "Leave us," and everyone but the person he's talking to wordlessly leaves the room.

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Ordering from a menu after glancing at it for just a second or two, or without looking at it at all.

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Mar 19, 2023Liked by Walter Kirn

Find ideal parking right in front.

Not finish their food.

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eats eggs over easy, but doesn't sop up the runny yellow yoke with some white bread toast

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- Shoot a gun and no one grabs their ears - no one has ear protection and no one’s ears appear to be ringing.

- Pull out a hand gun and shoot someone dead 50 yards away who’s on a roof, behind cover, with a rifle.

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Guns need their own category for something like this.

-Disarming someone faster than they can squeeze the trigger.

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Getting shot at by fifty people and not getting hit, but killing everyone else with one bullet

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Firearms really do deserve their own category!

The "hammer cocking" sound effect for Glocks is apparently universal.

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Mar 19, 2023Liked by Walter Kirn

So hilarious. How about embrace and tear off their clothes as soon as they walk into their house. Who does that?!?

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Ripping underwear and popping buttons off good shirts is another good one.

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My husband is always smiling at me because no matter what, my shirt goes on the rack, my heels in the protective box and hat and blazer in the suitcase against dust and his too😄

(Then I’ll remind him that it’s a very economical approach to care so much about belongings and then I’ll guess he just finds he has to agree, he’s a tax accountant 😂

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Mar 19, 2023Liked by Walter Kirn

Have sex with their bra on

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And sleep with their bra on! Seriously! What woman doesn't toss that thing as soon as she's home!?

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And my Spanx! Best part of the day!

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Oh hell yes! How you gonna get home without touching 2nd base.

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- hero reluctantly solves one more case on day he is supposed to retire

- he must be a sensitive dad because he makes breakfast for the kids before heading off to school; extra points if it's their favorite pancakes; extra points if the pancakes have faces or look like animals

- ice for drinks must be inserted with tongs from a bucket

- hand wipes mouth or both hands slide down hips before making confession or an embarrassed speech

- tough guy never answers questions

- drunk character has slurred speech and unsteady gait, but the eyes are clear and focused

- in Westerns, you never see a horse poop, or horse poop lying in the streets

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Mar 19, 2023Liked by Walter Kirn

I have hung up the phone without saying goodbye many times, but only when I was pissed off at the person on the other end of the line and wanted to make them madder

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Mar 19, 2023Liked by Walter Kirn

You could also add - talk to someone while driving and gesture with both hands without any regard to others on the road. Also step into a shower without turning on the water then turning it on when they are inside ( this means the water is freezing).

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ALWAYS, when you have removed a bullet from someone, drop it into a metal bowl of some kind so that we can hear the clank.

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Cut off your own fingers, for some silly reason.

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Ok, that happened once and it was heightened, right. The herbivore donkey wouldn’t eat bloody flesh either.

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